Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Tiredness and a Twitching Eye...

Sense Alex started group again this summer my left eyes has not stopped twitching. Its a thing I get when am stressed and just plain exhausted. I didn't use to be like that, everything would just wash off my back, and I mean EVERYTHING. I didn't care, before his diagnoses I treated him like a regular bullheaded child like his mother LOL then after the diagnoses and the therapies I have become mama bear to the freaking tenth degree. I worry about absolutely everything!
Just thinking about fighting him in the afternoon to leave him crying his little eyes out at group while he watches me walk out the door, breaks my damn heart and it stresses me out. It does. Its 10:43 in the AM and guess what, am freaking exhausted, am tired, physically and just freaking mentally.
My husband came home on sunday, and it was father's day, I had a few beers and we ate some good Cuban food, and then I totally crashed at 8 at night on the couch, both my eyes were twitching and I could not for the life of me stay awake, I was extremely tired, I think my body just waited for my husband to come home so I could just reset LOL but I haven't reset, my eye still twitching, am still tired and I have no energy whatsoever.
The thing is, while Alex went to school I would go walking and running, and that was a stress reliever for me. I would let go of everything while I was walking and running, and now I am not able to do it, cause I take him to the park and I have to worry about him wanting to go into the middle of the street or a stranger asking why my son is crying and then telling me that "i am so glad my grandson is healthy" after I tell her that my son is autistic... really... it wasn't necessary to say that.
And I have realized something about my self this couple of weeks... I have become a tight ass... I don't laugh as much any more, I don't have fun like I use to, my son is not to blame, and I don't even blame autism. But I do blame myself, because I know better. I know that I have to take it easy and not let things bother me and just accept things that happens, but its difficult, everyday the same thing, the same routine, the same issues and the same challenges, its hard, but a lot of people either chose not to understand or they blind themselves to reality, "things are not happening, his going to be better, he'll wake up one day and start talking, he'll wake up one day and be a regular 5 year old".... and its up to me, on my shoulders not only to educate my son, but everyone else around me, that is a possibility in the back of your head and this is ALWAYS is something that just doesn't go away, that he might never leave home, that he will never have a regular life, that he won't be able to adapt, that he will need help for the rest of his life, that you might not be able to give him siblings because you might not be able to handle the stress and you might break..... and I fight every day, every day I fight, because that is what I do, and at the end of the day I tell myself "i can do this tomorrow, I will get up and I will keep on going" because that is what I do, as a mother.
So I try to read, keep up with my recipe book, I blog, I love cooking so I cook everyday, just to have something new everyday to eat, or just to create, and I try to focus on other things besides on focusing on what might happen in the future. I need to relax, and I don't know how.

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